This is it. We are in the thick of it, going through the nitty gritty of transformation and let me tell you, it is not pretty.

One child tells me on the daily how much they hate me.

Two children resort to using violence to get their way or show their discontent.

Three children immediately start whining/wailing when things don’t go their way or the answer to their question is No.

Between the house, the car, the kids and myself, something is always unkempt.

Finding work has been a struggle because I’m the only one; the only one school can call when one of the kids gets sent to the office (again). The only one here to get them ready and off to school in the morning and here when they get home in the afternoon. The only one daycare can call when one of the babies is crying in pain and needs to go to the doctor. The only one to ensure that all of the kids get to all of their activities and therapy and doctor appointments.

And somehow I have to be the one to earn the bacon, shop for it, bring it home, cook it, serve it and clean up after it.

Talk about pressure.

Talk about exhausting.

Learning to not just take care of myself, but to make myself a priority, is a daily lesson. I still get upset and emotional. I still tend to yell and lose my sh*t more than I’d like to admit. I still fight depression and anxiety.

No, it’s definitely not pretty.

It’s nowhere near perfect.

But it’s not about perfection; it’s about progress.

Transformations are hard work. They’re messy. Some days you feel like you’re not going anywhere or even worse, like you’re taking steps backwards. Some days you will slip and others you may fall.

Can I tell you a secret though?

That’s OK!The mess is where the miracles happen.

It is in this mess that I have learned: how to get my kids to open up to me more, what they need from me in order to feel seen, heard and safe, how they feel about the past and what they’d like to see in the future.

To better care of myself. I notice more often when I’m shifting into that negative space and I work to feel and release it. I give myself permission and grace as needed. I recognize that I matter, I’m worthy, I have a voice and I can use it.

To trust again. I’ve begun to find and build a new tribe. I’m making new connections both personally and professionally, all of which are helping me grow.

Yes, it’s hard. It’s exhausting and at times, overwhelming.

No, it’s not perfect or pretty.

But it’s progress.

And progress means I’m getting closer to the place I want to be.

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